one two three fourrrrnication!
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
