i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
