3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
