It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
