and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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