cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
