Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
