we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
