You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
