Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Randomize
