Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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