New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
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I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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