He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
