We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
