you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
