Do you still have your period?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
