its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
