I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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