seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
