This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
