Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
