i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
