Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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