If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
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