Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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