If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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