Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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