please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
