You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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