I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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