so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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