This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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