Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Everything about him screamed your future.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
