ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
