..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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