So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
