I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I want to be your penis for a week.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
