I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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