so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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