I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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