some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
