Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
