Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
