I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
