My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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