She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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