i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
