it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
