Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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