Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
