I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
