8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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